Shitter Island

     Have you ever tried to explain where you work to someone? Not what you do, but where you work. What's it like where you work? What's the environment? Every morning I park my truck about a quarter mile away from the building that I work in and I walk towards it. We're all herded in a carousel-like entryway like cattle and have our ID's checked to ensure we're allowed entry into the building. All of this is done with little to no exchange of words. Then I head up several flights of stairs (if I'm not too lazy to take the elevator that day) and silently walk to my office. My office has no windows and is positioned in the middle of the floor, four walls and a door that closes and locks. The only thing that distinguishes it from a prison cell is that it doesn't have neither a toilet nor a sink in it. If it had either of those, I wouldn't have to bother with the Third Floor anymore! Occasionally, someone will pop his/her head in and "see how things are going."




     My boss recently scheduled me to work for the next three weeks straight. That's everyday...for three weeks. Honestly, I'm not too sure that I'm not in prison! I think I have a three week sentence!




     Have you ever seen the movie Shutter Island with Leonardo DiCaprio? If not, I won't ruin it here. But I'm pretty sure that I'm living in that movie in real life. I'm working in a building full of people that talk to themselves, shit and pee themselves, and are just generally crazy. I willingly walk into a building that has armed guards, into a room with four walls, no windows and a locking door. Someone comes by and occasionally "checks on me." I think I'm on Shutter Island...NO! I'm on Shitter Island!

Chick Moaner

     If you ever find yourself working in a multi-story office building, there are many things that you should consider. First, you should take the time to examine all of the available water fountains and find the one that shoots the water the furthest from the bubbler. I don't know what these people have and I want to be as far away from there mouths as possible! All day I sit and listen to them cough, hack, and sneeze. When I go to get a drink of water, I want to be sure they had to get as far away as I did! Even better - bring bottled water!


     Second, and probably most important, you have to explore the bathrooms. I'm serious! Take the time to go to every floor and examine the toilets and the sinks. There will be some floors that have very disgusting people that, for some reason, can't seem to go in the toilet...and I mean neither #1 nor #2! There are several other things that you should look for in a good bathroom too: Does the janitor on that floor keep the trash emptied? Do the people on that floor tidy up after themselves? Do they keep the toilet paper stocked? Do the people that use that bathroom respect basic bathroom etiquette?

     I think it's important that I share with you the story of the Third Floor and Chick Moaner. You see, I spent a lot of time researching the perfect bathroom in which to spend my time. I thought I had found it on the Third Floor. It was clean, smelled ok, the paper products were stocked nicely, and for the most part the people that frequented this bathroom seemed to respect general bathroom etiquette. Everything was going great until the fateful day that I met the man that will forever be known as "Chick Moaner."


     There I was, phone in hand, sitting in the second to last stall just enjoying my break. I heard someone come into the bathroom and close a stall door. What I heard next was more than disturbing! I heard a grown man grunt and then let out a high-pitched moan that sort of resembled the sound of a baby cooing at her mother. My first thought was that someone was messing with me. I put my phone away and tried to finish up. Suddenly, there were no more moans. I heard a flush and water began to run at the sink. I thought, "I'll just ride this out in the stall so it isn't weird. This guy probably doesn't know I'm in here and he'd be embarrassed if I came out of the stall like Kramer on him right now!" After a moment, the water shut off and I heard footsteps that I was sure was him leaving. I stepped out of my stall.


     The moment that I locked eyes with Chick Moaner is a moment that will be forever burned into my memory.  There he was, in a black and white horizontally striped shirt with the sleeves rolled up, with soap going from elbows to fingertips! He stared at me, and I at him. He hadn't left. He was only scrubbing in. After what seemed like an eternity, Chick Moaner said "Hi." I was at a loss for words. I couldn't say a word to this man. After everything that we had just been through! I washed my hands as quick as I could and I bolted out of that bathroom with the sound of him moaning still echoing in my mind.


     How would I get past this? The Third Floor was perfect until Chick Moaner came into the picture! Maybe he didn't belong on this floor either. Maybe he wouldn't come back. I decided that I'd give it another chance, and also that I wouldn't tell anyone about that day with Chick Moaner. Well, I won't tell anyone else!

Welcome to Puzzle Palace!

     Working in a large office building can be “challenging” at best. If you’re willing to look at things and people with a different perspective, it’s possible to understand how you got here and how to survive. Office people are weird, gross and all around dysfunctional…and I’m one of them. I can't take credit for the name, but the office building that I work in is so suitably nicknamed "Puzzle Palace." In this blog, we’ll explore different people and situations that I’ve found myself in while working in Puzzle Palace and how I survived each one.


     Should you ever find yourself in a Puzzle Palace of your own....try not to be "that guy."